It's that most wonderful time of the year, when Barack and Michelle deliver their annual holiday greeting to America. And that message, of course, consists of how we should all forget how rotten and miserable our own lives are, and instead feel guilty about how much more rotten are the lives of the men and women fighting the endless wars on behalf of the military-industrial complex.
It's a day late, but this is timeless:
THE PRESIDENT: Hi everybody. This weekend, as you gather with family and friends, Michelle and I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays.
THE FIRST LADY: We both love this time of year. And there’s nothing quite like celebrating the holidays at the White House. (or in any house with heat and a roof, and that is not in foreclosure.) It’s an incredible experience and one that we try to share with as many folks as possible.
This month, more than 90,000 people have come through the White House to see the holiday decorations. And our theme for this year’s holiday season was “Joy to All” – a reminder to appreciate the many joys of the holidays: the joy of giving…the joy of service…and, of course, the joy of homecomings.
THE PRESIDENT: That’s right. This weekend, parents are picking up their kids from college – and making room for all that laundry they bring with them. Children are counting down the hours until the grandparents arrive. And uncles, aunts and cousins are all making their way to join the family and share in the holiday spirit.
(We are covertly signalling that our base consists of upper middle class families who not only have kids in college, but whose parents have both the time and the reliable wheels and modern appliances needed to deliver concierge service to their offspring. America is one great big Hallmark commercial, in which there is no want, no hunger, no unemployment.... and no laundromats in blighted strip malls! Over the river and through the woods or even next door to the well-off Grandma who, like multimillionaire granny Nancy Pelosi, can absolutely live with chained CPI because she is not among the millions of seniors already living in poverty who will suffer even more when I finally achieve my own personal dream of selling out the safety net to my Wall Street overlords.)
THE FIRST LADY: That’s what makes this season so special – getting to spend time with the people we love most.
(Ourselves)
THE PRESIDENT: And this year, that’s especially true for some of our military families. You see, the war in Iraq is not really over. The transition in Afghanistan will not be happening is underway. After a decade of war, our heroes are coming home. And all across America, military families are reuniting. (at cemeteries and federal VA hospitals {where employees' Christmas bonuses consisted of my extending their pay freeze for another three months} and prisons and at facilities for the permanently brain-injured.)
So this week let’s give thanks for our veterans and their families. And let’s say a prayer for all our troops – especially those in Afghanistan – who are spending this holiday overseas, risking their lives to defend the freedoms we hold dear. (the freedoms of the plutocrats and the defense contractors to make billions and billions and billions of dollars as we impose our democracy on the rest of the world in the form of predator drones, a thousand military bases and counting, military psy-ops and CIA shadow wars, and secret prisons where all torture is now outsourced.)
THE FIRST LADY: And remember, when our men and women in uniform answer the call to serve, their families serve right along with them. Across this country, military spouses have been raising their families all alone during those long deployments. And let’s not forget about our military kids, moving from base to base – and school to school – every few years, and stepping up to help out at home when mom or dad is away.
Our military families sacrifice so much on our behalf, and Barack and I believe that we should serve them as well as they serve this country. That’s why Dr. Jill Biden and I started Joining Forces – an effort to rally all Americans to honor and support our veterans and military families. Just go to joiningforces.gov to find out how you can show your gratitude for their service.
(Joining Forces is actually the brainchild of the Center for a New American Security, a neoliberal think tank begun by out-of-work Clintonites during the Bush II Administration. Michelle and Jill are being used as maternal apparatchiks of the MIC, to lend a feel-good glow to what is essentially a fascist front group run by financiers and defense industry lobbyists. One of the newest members of the CNA Advisory Board, for example, is Richard Parsons, the CEO of Citigroup, who is also helping spearhead the Wall Street/"Fix the Debt" campaign to shred the social safety net, and who also serves on the president's in-house CEO lobby quaintly known as the White House Council on Jobs and Competitiveness. George Carlin was right: "It's a big club -- and you ain't in it.")
THE PRESIDENT: Because that’s what this season is all about. For my family and millions of Americans, it’s a time to celebrate the birth of Christ. To reflect on His life and learn from His example. Every year, we commit to love one another. To give of ourselves. To be our brother’s keeper. To be our sister’s keeper. But those ideas are not just part of our faith. They’re part of all faiths. And they unite us as Americans.
(I can utter that unctuous sentence, because as a psychopath, I possess no conscience and no belief in self-reflection. Separating my putative Christianity from my maintenance of a Kill List which results in the deaths of thousands of innocents is as easy as pie.)
THE FIRST LADY: In this country, we take care of each other. And in this season of giving, it’s inspiring to see so many people all across America taking the time to help those most in need.
(It's inspiring to see poor desperate people taking care of other poor desperate people, because by the time my husband gets through with you, you'll all be a bunch of drowning rats without a safety net. Just be grateful that Barack is offering you a fig leaf in the form of temporary tax increases for rich people to make you all feel better about your plight. )
THE PRESIDENT: That’s part of what makes us such a compassionate nation. And this year, I know many of you are extending that kindness to the families who are still picking up the pieces from Hurricane Sandy and your prayers to the people of Newtown, Connecticut.
(Because I have been so busy with the Fiscal Cliff psychodrama and offering up all your poor bodies on the altar of corporate greed, I just haven't had time to lambast Congress over their failure to provide any extra financial aid to the storm victims. And prayers for gun victims is about the best I can do right now, as I wipe the Hollywood glycerine from my eyes.)
THE FIRST LADY: So thank you for all that you’ve done this year on behalf of your fellow Americans.
THE PRESIDENT: And on behalf of my favorite Americans – Michelle, Malia, Sasha and Bo – Merry Christmas, everybody. (I care more about my dog than I do you, my less-favorite Americans. Why else would I have named him after myself?)
THE FIRST LADY: Happy holidays.
Postscript: You will happy to know that Barack and Michelle have just been awarded grand prize in the "Power Couple of the Year" contest sponsored by HuffPo. Here's why:
Full Name: Michelle Obama
Occupation: First Lady of the United States
Big Wig Affiliation: Beyonce
Claim to Fame: First African-American First Lady of the United States
Current Status: The First Lady is currently up for a Grammy nomination in the spoken-word category for her book, “American Grown.”
Word for Word: “We work out together every day. I usually get up to the gym a little before he does, because I start my day a bit earlier–I [have] hair, makeup, things that he doesn’t have to do. I continue to remind him of that. He usually gets up there when I’m halfway through, so we spend the morning checking in, watching Sports Center.”
Occupation: First Lady of the United States
Big Wig Affiliation: Beyonce
Claim to Fame: First African-American First Lady of the United States
Current Status: The First Lady is currently up for a Grammy nomination in the spoken-word category for her book, “American Grown.”
Word for Word: “We work out together every day. I usually get up to the gym a little before he does, because I start my day a bit earlier–I [have] hair, makeup, things that he doesn’t have to do. I continue to remind him of that. He usually gets up there when I’m halfway through, so we spend the morning checking in, watching Sports Center.”
Full Name: Barack Obama
Occupation: President of the United States
Big Wig Affiliation: Bill Clinton
Claim to Fame: First African-American President
Current Status: The president is gearing up for his second inauguration in 4 years, taking place in Washington D.C. on January 21.
Word for Word: "Obviously I couldn't have done anything that I've done without Michelle. . . . not only has she been a great first lady, she is just my rock. I count on her in so many ways every single day."
Occupation: President of the United States
Big Wig Affiliation: Bill Clinton
Claim to Fame: First African-American President
Current Status: The president is gearing up for his second inauguration in 4 years, taking place in Washington D.C. on January 21.
Word for Word: "Obviously I couldn't have done anything that I've done without Michelle. . . . not only has she been a great first lady, she is just my rock. I count on her in so many ways every single day."
You really can't make this shit up.
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